photo cred: Eichel Photography, LLC in collaboration with Yoga Olas, LLC in Salida, CO
A Little of My Story
Have you ever had those moments where you seem to be watching your OWN life unfold? I remember that sensation a few years back—and the thing was---I didn’t like what I saw. I didn’t like the PERSON I saw. I didn’t really like ME. What I saw was a woman who was awkward, quiet and overlooked and sometimes misunderstood. Someone who wrote herself off as “not that great” and “nothing special”. She just wanted to get through the day without drama. If anyone asked her to do something, she would figure out a way to make that work no matter what the cost rather than tell that person she couldn’t. If anyone gave negative feedback, she would outwardly defend herself to the death---but inwardly writhe in the shame that they might be right. She agonized over every little thing she said or didn’t say, did or didn’t do and worried that she had messed up. She was SO afraid of hurting others and letting them down. Here’s the thing though---I could see in her eyes that she wanted MORE. She WANTED a truly fulfilling life. In her heart, she lived with this spark of a vision to really LIVE and make a difference. The spark would rise and I could SEE it, FEEL it’s power---and then she would look around at her life and say “that’d be nice, but it’s just not possible.” “It’s nice for some people but it’d never work for me.” “ I’d try and fail---and maybe even be worse off than now---now’s not so bad. I can probably just try to make the best of it.”
I remember watching this person (ME) and my heart just broke. Now---to everyone else, I looked confident, creative, loving and happy---I looked like I had my act together. But I knew the truth about how I was living and what it felt like on the inside. Looking at myself that day, I was partly SO ashamed of her---of being SEEN as her –and I was also ANGRY. Angry that THIS was the trajectory of my life if I just continued.
I remember vividly thinking those famous words: “NOT TODAY”. I wanted to look back on a life I lived someday and be truly PROUD of what I created and the difference I made. I wanted to live each day with a profound sense of fulfillment and joy and LOVE the value I brought to the world. Because, here’s the thing----I wasn’t CREATED to be someone on the sidelines just watching life happen to me---I had more heart, more vision than that---making an impact and forging a path is in my DNA. At my core, I have always LOVED the fact that I didn’t fit in (even when I was trying desperately TO fit in.) I actually don’t believe at ALL in settling for crappy when you are meant to create possibility. I believe at my heart’s core that there is ALWAYS a way through the challenge and each of us have in us an incredible force of creativity and resourcefulness just WAITING to be tapped. I believe in living with passion.
That day, when I said “Not today” and vowed to start finding my path rather than waiting for it to find me---that’s the day everything started changing. It’s the day I ventured out on my own quest and journey. It is what led me to precisely the work I do today---helping OTHER heart-centered humans find THEIR mission, get off the sidelines and become unstoppable too.